As a working mother I never really unplug. Like ever. On work trips I’m still figuring out who is picking up the boys from practice. On “vacations” I schlep along my laptop so that I don’t get too far behind on emails (I tell myself it’s better to take an hour a day of vacation time to stay on top of them rather than trying to wade through 1,200 when I return to the office). It’s not unusual to receive a text during Girl’s Night Out from one of my sons that goes something like this: “Mom, Sam won’t stop taking videos of me.” Followed up quickly with a text along these lines: “Mom, Jack is hitting me for no apparent reason.” Even at the spa on Mother’s Day—a place and time all mothers should be able to count as sacred– I obsessively checked both my phone and the clock to make sure there were no disasters at home and that I didn’t get too comfortable and stay there until like, you know, next Mother’s Day. Unplugging is simply not an option. Sigh.
I’m not the only nut job working mom. We are everywhere. Stressed out with no way to turn it off. Until now. That’s right, my latest million dollar idea is going to solve this problem that just about every one of us working moms struggle with. It will help us truly disconnect from all the people who rely on us and finally recharge our batteries so we can be the best working moms we can possibly be. Because me and my insane working mommy crew are headed to–you guessed it–Working Mommy’s Rehab. It’s going to be huge.
The idea came to me when I had a totally inappropriate reaction to learning of someone I knew who was headed to rehab. I was jealous. I’m going to own how awful that gut reaction was. I’ve had years of experience dealing with loved ones struggling with addiction and I know how horrible and destructive it is. In fact, I have so much experience with addiction that when I’m at family reunions there are times when there are more people there in recovery than those drinking Pinot Grigio. Don’t worry I don’t let the Pinot go to waste. I know it’s not funny and I’m going to hell (I already have a lovely hand-basket picked out).
But just like real rehab, us working moms will actually benefit from having a place to detox, refresh our batteries, and gain new perspective and tools to help us better manage our lives. Working Mommy’s Rehab will be one of those cushy resort-like destinations that stars end up at. Out of curiosity, I went on the Google and looked up rehabs in Scottsdale, Arizona where I work and let me tell you these places were bea-u-ti-ful: pools, loungers, lots of gorgeous flowers! Sign me up!
The first thing that would happen upon checking into Working Mommy’s Rehab is that all electronics would be confiscated. Moms will probably have to spend 24-72 hours detoxing from not being able to know at all times what and how their families are doing without them. Once patients have demonstrated that they have all the mom anxiety cleansed from their system they’d be given their own lovely room and then the real work would begin. Moms would start each day with a vinyasa yoga session to energize and center themselves. Following yoga would be an insanely delicious healthy breakfast that did not require a single mother to plan, execute, or clean up. Heavenly, right? Afterwards they’d move into some group sessions during the day where they’d talk through topics such as: working-life balance is it a myth, stay-at-home moms are not the enemy, your children will fail and why you should let them, your value is not directly tied to the cleanliness of your home, moving past the guilt of working late, how to reconnect with your significant other over more than your children, and letting your children eat non-organic food doesn’t make you a bad mom.
In the afternoon moms would have a choice of taking advantage of a spa service. Massages to rub out the twisted knot where they hold onto all of their tension. Hair cut and color to wash out all of the gray hair that they’ve been growing since trying to “have it all.” Facials to erase the worry lines etched into their faces from worrying that they are simultaneously doing too much and not enough.
Unlike traditional rehab, Working Mommy’s Rehab will offer the best happy hour imaginable. There will be signature Working Mommy cocktails served by courteous and well-groomed wait staff. Appetizers will be delicious and nearly calorie free. Women can stay up and chat with each other as long as they want sipping wine or perhaps a tasty margarita until bedtime. Prior to bedtime women can do such selfish things as take a bath, read a book, or watch their favorite TV shows uninterrupted.
I’m this close to starting a waiting list. A girl can dream, right?